Everyday Miracles

Hitting Rock Bottom

2009-04-15T11:47:00.000-07:00

I know that it is true that sometimes we just need to hit rock bottom in order to gain some ground. I have seen this pattern before and yet I always forget the progression every time things start to get bad in our lives.

Listen: I'm a temperamental creature. I am prone to mood swings and impatience. I get angry easily and I sometimes lash out even though I know better. I am easily stressed and I often take that stress out on the people around me. I often say "I can't take any more" and then God proves to me that I can!

I wasn't prepared to hit rock bottom. I kept thinking that I was already there, that my family had already suffered as much as we could handle and stay together. I've had moments where it seemed that suicide might be an easier answer than dealing with everything, but rationality kicked in. My family needs me. I'm the one who is holding us together, day by day, week by week. I am important to this family, and the closer I come to truly accepting that, the better I will be.

I've "taken" a lot in the past few months, and I have learned things about myself that I didn't know previously. I don't think I'm a better person for it, but I wish that it was.

I am tired of harboring resentment for others. I am tired of blaming others for my own shortcomings. I want to improve, certainly. I am desperate for it. I want to be a better human being, a better mother and a better wife. I want to be a better Christian.

I can't talk about it now. I'm so emotionally exhausted that I can't repeat, one more time, what brought me to this point. Maybe I will have the strength tomorrow, or perhaps I will just be moving on. I hope, in all honesty, that it is the latter.

Lord, Help Him to Put You First

2009-04-14T08:35:00.000-07:00

Lord, we specifically both need help in putting You first with regard to our finances. It seems as though things are constantly changing and the money is disappearing so quickly that we barely have enough left to survive on these days. The fear is overwhelming. What happens if we bring our tithe to You and there isn't enough left to provide food for our daughter? I feel such anxiety about our diminishing cash flow that I fear taking that step of faith, and I know that he feels the same fear that I do.

Please Lord, help me to not hold him back. Help me to not be the reason why he chooses not to tithe. Give us both the courage that we need to trust You with our finances when we are struggling to trust you with far less important areas of our lives. Give us courage and help us to find contentment even in the most trying of times!

Mommy Meltdowns

2009-04-14T07:38:00.001-07:00

Every mother, from time to time, struggles with stress and frustration. Many have to also deal with anger and depression. I have been lucky enough not to have been affected by post-partum depression in the way that many women are. I am lucky to have God to guide me and to help me when things get too far out of my control. I am lucky to have a supportive husband who understands that sometimes things are just more than I can handle.

In the past two months, our situation has changed constantly, it seems. On the up side of the situation, Leo has begun a new job and it is going incredibly well. The pay is (slightly) higher than what he was making on unemployment. Papa Johns forfeited their appeal for unemployment but not being present at the hearing that they requested and it looks as though he will soon be confident moving onto a commission-based pay schedule. (Thank You, God, for answering my prayer!)

On the down side... Where do I begin?

It began with the fact that we have just been so far behind on all of our bills. That was months ago and we are still trying to play catch up. I am angry and frustrated and some days I feel as though things will never improve (and I lose my trust in God!). Then, when I least expected it, my past jumped up and bit me in the butt, resulting in my forgiveness post in this here blog. I wasn't sure how to handle that situation, to say the least!

Then we discover that there is something going on with my mother-in-law. We aren't sure precisely what except that she has a stress-related ulcer. This may be related to taking care of two pre-schoolers (our children) or it could be because her brother was very sick and recently passed away. We are (obviously) worried about the welfare of our children in her care and are working on determining our course of action.

Add to that the fact that Leo's child support increased on children he hasn't seen in four years due to the fact that his first wife is in violation of court order in two different ways (refusing visitation and having moved the children out of state without their father's permission).

The financial and emotional strain is enormous. Needless to say, we won't be trying to conceive until something changes. I'm hoping that the effort that we are both making will ultimately pay off, but I also am aware that this is going to take a great deal of time!

Lord, Help Him Succeed

2009-04-13T10:55:00.000-07:00

Lord God in Heaven, even in our darkest hour I know that You are listening to our pleas and our supplications. I know that You hear me regardless of my worth, and I know that I will never, ever deserve Your love. Sometimes I feel so desperate and alone that I can't bear to bring myself before You, but I know that I must. I have been remiss in my prayers, Lord, and it is time for me to correct that mistake.

I wish to lift Leo up before You, Lord, and I wish to do so with consistency, every single day. There are so many areas in his life where he needs You, Lord, and I will take comfort in knowing that You are there for him, holding onto him when he can't hold onto You.

Leo has been through so much in his work, Lord. He has lost several jobs for various reasons and he has been criticized by those around him. He has accepted jobs making far less money than he deserves because it is all that was available to him. He has worked hard to support this family, and he has worked jobs that are degrading to him, that are beneath him. He has always done his best to provide for our family, and I know that he experiences immeasurable stress in doing so. I cannot begin to imagine how he feels on a daily basis, worried about making the next sale, or cinching the deal with a new customer. If I had to deal with that kind of pressure I think I would fold!

Lord, my husband needs every opportunity to be successful in his work. Please provide for him the confidence necessary to be successful in sales. Place before him customers who are prepared to make a purchase, and help him to present to them the important information in a way that encourages them. Please help him to understand his job and the way his behavior at work affects those around him and our family at home.

Help him not to worry, Lord, but to understand that everything is in Your time and that You are there with him and helping him through the difficult times. Help him to move into Your grace, Lord, and to turn his life over to You. He knows what to do, but like anyone, he makes mistakes.

You know what we need, Lord, and I know that You are prepared to answer our prayers. We love You and appreciate You for everything You have done for us! Thank You Father!

I am Humiliated

2009-04-13T09:38:00.001-07:00

We are, once again, facing a financial crisis. It seems as though for Leo and me there is a never-ending parade of adverse circumstances. Our life together has been difficult. We have been robbed (twice), we have been homeless, we have been separated from our children. We have (both) been out of work for periods of time and we have struggled simply to get out of bed in the morning. We have both been affected by divorce and adultery, and we have seen the effect that our past has on our own marriage.

We're stronger for all of the battles, but we have never been better for them. We have never, in all of the time that we have fought and struggled to stay afloat learned anything. There has always been someone there to bail us out (my parents, not the government). We never learned how to do better for ourselves. For many, many years I have blamed this on various people, my ex-husband, Leo, my parents. Somebody was always responsible for my lack of doing something (whatever "something" might be!).

I've been learning differently. It hasn't been a pleasant experience, but I do believe that it is one that God has led. He wants me to change, and because He wants me to change, I want to change. I am simply confused as to the road to get there.

Today I had to call my parents for help. A bill had been left too long (as usual) and we do not have the money to pay the balance. We have been struggling to handle excessive heating bills because of poor insulation in our house, and this is the culmination of several months of desperation.

My mother was typically angry. She doesn't want to have to keep bailing us out, and I can't blame her. I went through the usual routine of self-deprecation, explaining to her how much I hated to ask for help and how I understood how hard it is for them. I also know how much this isn't their responsibility, but it only really sank in today for the first time.

In her usual fashion, my mother humiliated me. She wanted me to know how terrible it was that we don't have enough control over our finances. For those of you who don't know, shame doesn't usually work as a means of disciplining someone, particularly when they are old enough and aware enough to realize what you are doing and why you are doing it. I'm angry and I'm humiliated, but I still appreciate everything they have done for me.

I hope that one day I can have a restored relationship with my parents that doesn't include us being at one another's throats all of the time. I feel some degree of sadness regarding the way that we often treat one another and I can only hope that one day things will be different

Lord, Change Me

2009-04-08T07:34:00.000-07:00

I am a self-made woman. Never have I ever been able to give You credit for who I am. Between my often overbearing and sometimes cruel parents and my own lack of good judgment, I have made myself the woman that I am today. And I don't like who I am today.

My parents meant well, I know that. My mother belonged to a generation that held a certain set of beliefs, mostly those taught by Dr. Spock. The damage done by my parents mostly came from my inability to use good judgment when it was required. From there, I did the damage on my own. I became bitter and disillusioned with my life. I hated who I was but felt powerless to change me.

Then I found You, Lord. I found You right where You had been waiting my entire life. I found you waiting in the shadows of the smoke screen created by the master of this world. I found You waiting to hold me in Your arms. And You were amazing! You are amazing! That was when I knew, Lord: I could change. I would change for You!

There aren't a lot of things about the girl I was that I like, Father. I was arrogant and often ignorant. I was rude, disrespectful and sometimes mean. I thought too highly of myself and not enough of others. I held myself in the highest regard and put myself first in everything.

Lord, You know how much of this has changed, and only You truly know. Those around me, those who have known me all along, know some things. Leo recognizes the fact that my life is no longer self-centered, but focused outwardly more than it was. I am not perfect. I know that I never can be. But I do believe that with Your help I can achieve more than I ever could before. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Phil. 4:13).

Change me, Lord. I have spent too much time wishing and praying that others would change. I thought there was something wrong with Leo, with G and T, with D. I thought there was something wrong with everyone but me. My mother, my father, even my children. I was always right, and everyone else was always in the wrong.

It is a strange thing to wake up one morning and to realize that I was just as wrong. Due to certain peculiar circumstances I can't exactly say that they were right (because most of them were wrong just as often as I was!). It takes a lot from simple, selfish humans to admit wrongdoing. But I have been wrong. I can't ask any more that You change those around me, Lord. They will change if and when they are ready, and with Your help.

As for me, I'm ready now. I need a change from the inside out, Lord. I want to be the cheerful, happy wife and mother that my family needs. And I need Your help to get me to that point. I write this on a day when my mood is high and my confidence is higher. I write this with hope in my heart, Lord. I know that You are able to restore me. My prayer is that You will.

I need a place to start, Father, or I will be overwhelmed. You know me well enough to know the way my mind works. I have a specific challenge right at this moment regarding my step children. I ask you Lord, please give me a heart of love and acceptance for those dear children who don't know any better than to behave as they have been taught to do. Give me the strength to stand beside Leo through the coming trials. Give me the strength to lift him up when he needs lifting up, and to speak the truth in love when his hopes become unrealistic.

You are a powerful God! You can soften even the hardest of hearts if it is Your will to do so! Give me a heart that is open and soft to Your changes, that is open and soft to my husband and our children! Give me a heart of understanding and one of forgiveness when things don't go my way.

I am Yours, Father. I am Your creation and my purpose in life is to serve You to the best of my ability.

In Jesus' sweet name, Amen.

The Power of Forgiveness

2009-04-04T16:22:00.000-07:00

I am no longer ashamed of who I am and I'm not going to be hiding in the shadows in fear that my "big, bad ex-husband" is going to creep up on me and do some kind of damage to me. So I want to get some things straight for the record, because I know that over the years he and his compatriots have followed (stalked?) me around the internet and generally made an effort to make my life miserable. Those years that Leo and I were without the internet had to have been miserable for you, I would think!

Here is the truth, dear G. The truth as I know it, as I see it.

You hurt me, and you hurt me deeply. I believe that it is normal for a woman (or a man, I suppose) to be hurt by the affairs of her husband (or his wife). It is normal that she will cry, that she will be angry. You took off with my best friend right in front of my very eyes. I was there, and I knew when it started. I knew, in my heart, that it wouldn't end soon enough for our marriage to be saved.

G, I believe that marriage is eternal. I believe that when one marries another, that their souls are permanently bound to one another. I believe that in the sight of God (yes, I said GOD!) those two people are now one person. There is one soul. When you left, when you divorced me to be with her, you took a piece of me. It was like a part of my own soul had been amputated from me.

I guess I thought for a while that I had the best anesthetic. I went forever not feeling a thing about it. I forgave you. It didn't take me a moment to say those words and to mean them. It didn't take me long at all to give you what you needed, what you deserved as all people deserve forgiveness, G. I was foolish, and the pain was numbed by something. I don't know what, and I don't believe that the numbness was of God. I would never, ever have turned in the direction of harlotry had I dealt with the pain and the anger at the time rather than storing it up to loose it just in the past eight months or so. I would have been healthier if I had handled things differently.

But then, things were always about you. When our son was sick, things were about you. You cried, you wept and I stood by, your rock. I comforted you, I held you, I reassured you. And when it was time, I walked out of your life so that you could take care of him. I knew where I didn't belong. I knew where I wasn't wanted. I did everything for you. Even then, even before I found Jesus Christ, I knew that the man was at the head of his household. I knew where my priorities in our marriage were (you, and not the baby). I did things right. I did everything right. I gave you what you wanted. What you wanted was our son. Our son and your mistress. And that's fine, G. You've gotten what you wanted. I genuinely hope that all of you are happy with the lives you have made for yourselves.

I hurt. I do. I wonder on a daily basis what she had that I don't. I feel to this day that I am more physically attractive, and certainly, as heavy as I am, thinner and more fit than she is. I'm a natural redhead with thick, curly hair. I have reasonably good features (depending on how my hair is styled, anyway). I have good skin. I now take better care of myself than I have since I met you (my self-image was destroyed quickly by your ilk). I am more intelligent than she is, and I have a future ahead of myself (as a writer or as an actress, depending on the road I choose). What future do the two of you have? Dependence on the government for the rest of your lives? But I guess that's how you always wanted it.

I wanted a father, G. I didn't want a husband. That was my only big mistake. I looked to you to be something you should never have been to me. We fought, and that was as much my fault as it was your fault. We both had our tempers. We both had our issues from the past that were difficult for us to deal with. And we both dealt with our pain in our own ways.

I was never unfaithful to you while we were together, though you have accused me of this. But it's odd how you made me identify myself with my sexuality and the way that I was perceived as a sexual creature by the men around me. It's funny how you changed who I was, and who I was to become.

I'm a better person today for having known you, G. I never would have become the woman that I am right now if I had never met and married you. I am strong. I have a backbone of steel. I am a kind person. I learned how to forgive through you (though not from you). I learned how to be me because of many of the horrible things that you did and said to me over the years. You gave me confidence in myself. You gave me the strength to follow through. You gave me a lot, and for that I am grateful. God can use even those who hate Him!

Here's the big thing, G. I know that if you aren't reading this as it is posted that you very likely will. You will connect my last name to the use of my full first name (instead of Becki) and you will wind up here eventually, I am sure. There will be clues, little crumbs dropped here and there. And you will read this. I can't speak to what your reaction will be. I don't even want to think about it. But I want you to know something.

I forgive you. Completely. Fully. I forgive you.

I forgive you for not being there for me when I needed you.

I forgive you for the affair with my best friend.

I forgive you for abandoning me.

I forgive you for not believing me or believing in me.

I forgive you for not loving me when I most needed you to.

I forgive you for turning away from me.

I forgive you for breaking the promise of April 15th, 2004

I forgive you for everything. I have chosen forgiveness. The pain and weight of unforgiveness has been lifted from my shoulders. I don't know about you, but I think you might even feel different, too. Somehow, when we are forgiven we can feel it. It feels different. We feel happier. Sometimes I think we even feel more loved.

I don't expect you to forgive me. Such hate is something that people often enjoy harboring within them. But the truth is that if you do choose to make that change within yourself, you will feel lighter. You will change your relationship with your children, with your girlfriend/fiance/wife. You will change your relationship with God and that is the most important relationship of all!

G., you are forgiven. I may think of you from time to time after this point, but I believe that I will be free of the dreams that have haunted me, that I will be free of dreaming that I have lost Leo somewhere in the town in which you and I lived together. I will be free of the fear that came from losing you. I will be free of the distrust. I will be free to move on completely with the one that I love, the one who makes me happy and the one who I make happy. I am free to love my family the way I should have all along.

You know what the right thing is to do. Whether you choose to do it or not is up to you. The ball is in your court.

The Arrival of AF

2009-03-18T16:30:00.000-07:00

Today my period arrived. I am, in so many ways, simply relieved. I haven't been writing much here lately but I was testing almost every day, just waiting and knowing that my line was going to show up. It never did. At least now I know that I'm not pregnant and we are, for the first time ever moving into our second month of trying to conceive. This has always been easier for us. I'm not sure what's going on right now exactly but hopefully we will be having another Christmas baby!

Why do you care?

2009-03-05T14:46:00.000-08:00

What other people think of me is very important to me. I don't absolutely know why except that I tend towards low self-confidence and low self-esteem. I am always judging myself and I never measure up to my own standards. I can't look good enough, my house can't be clean enough, I can't be a good enough mom or a good enough friend.

I have always tended to be selfish and/or self-centered. I find it difficult to see the needs and wants of those who are around me. Things for me are changing. I am getting better at seeing and understanding how others feel, but I don't usually know that I'm about to make a mistake, only that I already have. I will say something and then have to correct what I said because I realize that I have hurt someone's feelings or stepped on someone's toes.

Because of low self-esteem I tend to want people to look up to me. I identify myself that way, by looking at what other people think of me and see in me. So I want people to see someone who is pretty or intelligent or kind or just plain nice. I talk a lot, often to fill empty space in the conversation. I feel as though if there is silence that the other person is looking at me and judging me. I suppose that isn't inaccurate, but it isn't dependent on silence.

I have a problem with feeling worthy. For a long time, at our church, I felt as though everyone hated me just because they didn't know me well enough to like me. As a new Christian I was really struggling with this. I didn't get complimented and people didn't approach me. I felt avoided. Of course that wasn't the case at all: I was closing myself off for fear of being rejected.

The same goes in any social setting, including online. Forums, chatrooms, blogs: if my posts get ignored or don't get commented I feel as though it is because people don't like me. In response I tend to step on toes. It's not that I'm doing it intentionally. The truth is that I don't know at the time that I'm doing it. I am learning, slowly, to be supportive instead of intellectual. I am learning to be more female.

I have gotten to the point where I will think carefully before I open my mouth to say a word to someone. If I can't say something nice, I tend to avoid that person (I am doing this with one person right now). I am avoiding all confrontation and am in fact running from it. This still isn't the correct reaction, but I am getting there.

Over time, I have alienated my entire support network. People are not, apparently, forgiving by nature. I don't know how to apologize for my personality or for who I am, but I feel as though I need to. I expect nothing from it. I don't even want to be here explaining myself. I shouldn't have to be. If you don't like me, that's your business, and your problem, right?

But the thing is that in many cases it is my fault. I am the one who has offended and wronged people. I want to be forgiven, I want so desperately to be liked. When I get a little nasty in my e-mail or in my PM inbox it breaks my heart. It really does hurt me.

People, I'm human, just like you. I make mistakes and I know that not everybody is going to like me. But I also don't judge you and ask that you not judge me. Please don't feel the need to send me nasty messages that you know are going to hurt my feelings. I'm a sensitive person who is often emotionally fragile under these kinds of circumstances.

I don't want an apology from anyone. I don't need you for support or comfort. I just want you to leave me alone and not treat me like I don't have feelings.

Thank you.

Never Tried to Conceive Before

2009-03-04T18:58:00.000-08:00

I have never tried to conceive in the past. Though I have four children, each were either a surprise (my first and second) or due to lack of prevention (third and fourth). This is an entirely new experience for me!

Leo and I talked back in October about when we were going to begin trying to conceive, and decided that April was the right time. I wanted to quit smoking and lose some weight before we began the process. I never did lose the weight, but I have been a non-smoker for four months now!

We started a week early. Right now I am four days past ovulation and will be testing on the tenth of March. I am looking forward with a great deal of hope to a positive pregnancy test and to seeing a doctor regularly throughout my pregnancy (which didn't happen with my youngest daughter.

This is really just a quick post to get things started here for me. I hope to continue posting soon!

Thank you to all who are praying for my BFP!