Hitting Rock Bottom

I know that it is true that sometimes we just need to hit rock bottom in order to gain some ground. I have seen this pattern before and yet I always forget the progression every time things start to get bad in our lives.

Listen: I'm a temperamental creature. I am prone to mood swings and impatience. I get angry easily and I sometimes lash out even though I know better. I am easily stressed and I often take that stress out on the people around me. I often say "I can't take any more" and then God proves to me that I can!

I wasn't prepared to hit rock bottom. I kept thinking that I was already there, that my family had already suffered as much as we could handle and stay together. I've had moments where it seemed that suicide might be an easier answer than dealing with everything, but rationality kicked in. My family needs me. I'm the one who is holding us together, day by day, week by week. I am important to this family, and the closer I come to truly accepting that, the better I will be.

I've "taken" a lot in the past few months, and I have learned things about myself that I didn't know previously. I don't think I'm a better person for it, but I wish that it was.

I am tired of harboring resentment for others. I am tired of blaming others for my own shortcomings. I want to improve, certainly. I am desperate for it. I want to be a better human being, a better mother and a better wife. I want to be a better Christian.

I can't talk about it now. I'm so emotionally exhausted that I can't repeat, one more time, what brought me to this point. Maybe I will have the strength tomorrow, or perhaps I will just be moving on. I hope, in all honesty, that it is the latter.