Why do you care?

What other people think of me is very important to me. I don't absolutely know why except that I tend towards low self-confidence and low self-esteem. I am always judging myself and I never measure up to my own standards. I can't look good enough, my house can't be clean enough, I can't be a good enough mom or a good enough friend.

I have always tended to be selfish and/or self-centered. I find it difficult to see the needs and wants of those who are around me. Things for me are changing. I am getting better at seeing and understanding how others feel, but I don't usually know that I'm about to make a mistake, only that I already have. I will say something and then have to correct what I said because I realize that I have hurt someone's feelings or stepped on someone's toes.

Because of low self-esteem I tend to want people to look up to me. I identify myself that way, by looking at what other people think of me and see in me. So I want people to see someone who is pretty or intelligent or kind or just plain nice. I talk a lot, often to fill empty space in the conversation. I feel as though if there is silence that the other person is looking at me and judging me. I suppose that isn't inaccurate, but it isn't dependent on silence.

I have a problem with feeling worthy. For a long time, at our church, I felt as though everyone hated me just because they didn't know me well enough to like me. As a new Christian I was really struggling with this. I didn't get complimented and people didn't approach me. I felt avoided. Of course that wasn't the case at all: I was closing myself off for fear of being rejected.

The same goes in any social setting, including online. Forums, chatrooms, blogs: if my posts get ignored or don't get commented I feel as though it is because people don't like me. In response I tend to step on toes. It's not that I'm doing it intentionally. The truth is that I don't know at the time that I'm doing it. I am learning, slowly, to be supportive instead of intellectual. I am learning to be more female.

I have gotten to the point where I will think carefully before I open my mouth to say a word to someone. If I can't say something nice, I tend to avoid that person (I am doing this with one person right now). I am avoiding all confrontation and am in fact running from it. This still isn't the correct reaction, but I am getting there.

Over time, I have alienated my entire support network. People are not, apparently, forgiving by nature. I don't know how to apologize for my personality or for who I am, but I feel as though I need to. I expect nothing from it. I don't even want to be here explaining myself. I shouldn't have to be. If you don't like me, that's your business, and your problem, right?

But the thing is that in many cases it is my fault. I am the one who has offended and wronged people. I want to be forgiven, I want so desperately to be liked. When I get a little nasty in my e-mail or in my PM inbox it breaks my heart. It really does hurt me.

People, I'm human, just like you. I make mistakes and I know that not everybody is going to like me. But I also don't judge you and ask that you not judge me. Please don't feel the need to send me nasty messages that you know are going to hurt my feelings. I'm a sensitive person who is often emotionally fragile under these kinds of circumstances.

I don't want an apology from anyone. I don't need you for support or comfort. I just want you to leave me alone and not treat me like I don't have feelings.

Thank you.